Dick Blumenthal's Day in Court

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 By Ken Lipshitz

All rise, court is now in order. The honorable Andre the Giant towers over his court of law, in front of him the plaintiff Dick Blumenthal and the defendant WWE Incorporated.

What's wrong with this picture? Well, one would assume Andre the Giant is nothing more than a massive zombie sent back from the grave for serious litigation matters.Wait, let's be honest -- that's all he is here for, Brett Hart is next to him as well. But I digress. This Senate race has been hyped up by the mainstream media as a no-holes barred slobberknocker between World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon and overall clown/jibroni Dick Blumenthal, where in reality it has been the people, i.e. Dick (because he knows what is best for Connecticut!) versus Linda's corporation.


 Countless attack ads and interviews on the policy stance that Blumenthal has on basic national political issues have come up time and time again, focusing on WWE and it's business practices instead of the REAL issues.

Take their first head-to-head debate. The McMahon campaign baited Dick into making himself look like he'd just been stone cold stunnered because he couldn't respond to the question, "How do you create a job?" He sounded more dumbfounded than Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants; his brain consisting of one building with thousands of workers inside all dressed the same with slicked back dirtbag hair sitting in rows upon rows of cubicles. When this question was asked that building blew up as if it was attacked by a group of Mujahideen strung out on crystal meth, and every worker scrambling for cover as these metaphorical brain cells ripped off their liberal control collars and flipped their desks and began to inject PCP while running from the ruins.

Plainly put, he sounded like a goddamn idiot. Now all I hear from him is his stance on WWE as a company, federal inquries, layoffs, etc. Well, news for you, Dick. It's hard to build a multi-national company. Linda found a niche and did it successfully and now provides entertainment and jobs to people across the world. What have you done? Oh, wait, I forgot that suing creates jobs through all the unnecessary legal expenses. But seeing giant men play fight on television is horrible for our society?

Give me a break. On November 2 everyone needs to head to the polls and wrap their hands around Dick, shake uncontrollably and deliver a chokeslam.